i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
it hurts more in the daytime
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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