Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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