I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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