you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you win again, gameday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
