My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
