ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
