my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
