I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
