Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
