Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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