youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
