You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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