Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
