I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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