oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize