why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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