and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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