Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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