I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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