idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
