By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize