I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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