my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am naked and annoyed.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize