Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
