you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
