P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
