I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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