She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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