I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
