Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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