Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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