Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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