There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
