Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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