why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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