True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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