I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
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