he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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