Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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