i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
