Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You work out of a Hotel?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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