I have demons in me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I will be naked everywhere
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
