You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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