no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
