My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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