Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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