I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
