dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
