listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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