I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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