i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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