I murdered the dance floor call the cops
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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