I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
