Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
