just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
