Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
