I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
